Heard In The Locker Room
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
MAN: “How much?”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Until I know which way you went.
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate, because they do Not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:
Medical Term Redneck Definition Artery The study of paintings Bacteria Back door to cafeteria Barium What doctors do when patients die Benign What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan Searching for Kitty Cauterize Made eye contact with her Colic A sheep dog Coma A punctuation mark Dilate To live long Enema Not a friend Fester Quicker than someone else Fibula A small lie Impotent Distinguished, well known Labor Pain Getting hurt at work Medical Staff A Doctor’s cane Morbid A higher offer Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node I knew it Outpatient A person who has fainted Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative A letter carrier Recovery Room Place to do upholstery Rectum Nearly killed him Secretion Hiding something Seizure Roman Emperor Tablet A small table Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport Tumor One plus one more Urine Opposite of you’re out
The Wife Said
If there is any money left over, get yourself a beer…….”
We will heel you.
We will save your sole.
We will even dye for you.
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
Blind man driving.
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.
At an Optometrist’s Office :
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
You’ve come to the right place.
On a Plumber’s truck :
“We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber’s truck :
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.
On an Electrician’s truck :
“Let us remove your shorts.
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door :
“Push. Push. Push.
At a Car Dealership :
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room :
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.
And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promise
Why Irishmen Can’t Be Paramedics —
O’Malley and Finnegan are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Finnegan grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
O’Malley whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, ‘I think Finnegan is dead! What should I do?’
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, ‘Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
There is a silence… And then a shot is heard.
O’Malley’s voice comes back on the line,
‘Okay… Now what?
An American General and an English General . . .
An American General and an English General were on a joint battle campaign in World War II. The American General turned to his orderly and said, “Get me my red shirt.”
The English General asked why? The American General said, “That’s so if I get wounded the blood won’t show so much and demoralize the troops.”
The English General turned to his orderly and said, “Get me my brown pants.”
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
Steven Wright Paradox – Real Gems
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.3 – Half the people you know are below average.4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5 – 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.And the all-time favorite –35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?++++++++++20 Obvious Signs That Humanity Is Regressing
Fortune Cookie Advice:
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.++++++++++
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. – Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”
As I Get Older I Realize . . .
And finally. . .++++++++++
Second Thoughts About Playing Golf
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.. Now, 95 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
died a pauper.2. The president of the largest gas company,
3. The president of the NYSE,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
also committed suicide.However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion, and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen, real name Eugenio Saraceni, his parents were poor Sicilian immigrants of Italian Decent.What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
To Hell with Work! Play Golf!
Apology from an Irish Hospital … SUCH COMPASSION!!!
Dear Mr. Murphy,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor if you were old enough?
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable? The man says, ‘I make a good living.’
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’
Patient: ‘I AM 60!’
Doctor: ‘See! What did I tell you?’
The doctor says, ‘That’s what puzzles me!’
Doctor: ‘Don’t answer!’
The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’
They’re worth it.
They want to.
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!.
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘
Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak. ‘
The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’
She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’
The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? ‘
The mother answered, ‘Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, ‘What part is it?’
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) ‘Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody .’
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.’
Her reply, ‘Force yourself.’
13 Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Beer Quotes, Beer and More Beer
George Bernard Shaw, Irishman
W. C. Fields
Professor Irwin Corey
Leo Durocher, Brooklyn Dodgers Coach
IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it… Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying … and wasn’t drunk.
‘Look Paddy …. there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!’