++++++++++
Why Irishmen Can’t Be Paramedics

O’Malley and Finnegan are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Finnegan grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

O’Malley whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, ‘I think Finnegan is dead!  What should I do?’

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, ‘Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence… And then a shot is heard.

O’Malley’s voice comes back on the line,

‘Okay… Now what? 

++++++++++
An American General and an English General . . .

An American General and an English General were on a joint battle campaign in World War II.  The American General turned to his orderly and said, “Get me my red shirt.”

The English General asked why?  The American General said, “That’s so if I get wounded the blood won’t show so much and demoralize the troops.”

The English General turned to his orderly and said, “Get me my brown pants.”

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Church Ladies With Typewriters
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.

Image result for Humorous Church Ladies Illustration

These sentences (read carefully) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services.
————————–
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight:‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.
It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
————————–
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
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Steven Wright Paradox – Real Gems
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”
His mind sees things differently than most of us do.  Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favorite –
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?
 ++++++++++
20 Obvious Signs That Humanity Is Regressing
#1
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#2

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#3

Captain Obvious Sign

#4

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#10

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#11

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#12

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#19

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#20

Captain Obvious Sign

++++++++++

Fortune Cookie Advice:

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

++++++++++

Don’t Despair!


Image result for Nun images

 

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.  Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.  Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.

As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. 

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. – Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. 

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. 

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. 

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied.  “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

                         https://tse3.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.cbhOAHyyY5ovEgbR7y7_PgEsC0&pid=15.1&P=0&w=299&h=180
++++++++++
As I Get Older I Realize . . .
http://www.monotonybreaker.com/?nltr=MjU7MTE5NTtodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm1vbm90b255YnJlYWtlci5jb20vd3AtY29udGVudC91cGxvYWRzLzIwMTYvMTEvMTIyNzg5MzBfNTM4MTE5MTc2MzM3NTc5XzMyMzgyNTcyOTQzMjAxMjIxNTZfbjEtMS5qcGc7OzlmYzAxMDQyNDg3M2NhNmIyNmI0YThkOTQ4MzM0NmYw
http://www.monotonybreaker.com/?nltr=MjU7MTE5NTtodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm1vbm90b255YnJlYWtlci5jb20vd3AtY29udGVudC91cGxvYWRzLzIwMTYvMTEvUFNfMDgwNldfU1BFQUtfTUlORDEuanBnOzs4OThlMDM3Y2NlNjI4NzU5ZjM2YmI0YTQ0ODE3MDdlOQ==
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And finally. . .
http://www.monotonybreaker.com/?nltr=MjU7MTE5NTtodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm1vbm90b255YnJlYWtlci5jb20vd3AtY29udGVudC91cGxvYWRzLzIwMTYvMTEvUFNfMDYwNF9BU1lMVU0xLmpwZzs7OTFhOWNhZWFmMjkxMTcwNDJhY2MzMGY5NzEwN2I3ZTc=
++++++++++

Second Thoughts About Playing Golf

In 1923, Who Was: 

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York  stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?


These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.. Now,  95 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper. 
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison 
to die at home. 

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide. 
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion, and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen, real name Eugenio Saraceni, his parents were poor Sicilian immigrants of Italian Decent.
What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.  He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:

To Hell with Work!  Play Golf!
++++++++++
Apology from an Irish Hospital … SUCH COMPASSION!!!

Dear Mr. Murphy,

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.  It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

++++++++++

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language .

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”.

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

++++++++++

Jewish Humor

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor if you were old enough?

Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable?   The man says, ‘I make a good living.’

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?  ‘Honey, I’m home!’

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years!  If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, ‘Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ‘
Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’
* Doctor: ‘You’ll live to be 60!’
Patient: ‘I AM 60!’
Doctor: ‘See! What did I tell you?’
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, ‘Doc, how do I stand? ‘
The doctor says, ‘That’s what puzzles me!’
* Patient: ‘I have a ringing in my ears. ‘
Doctor: ‘Don’t answer!’
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking. ‘
The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!.
6. Q: What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘
Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak. ‘
The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’
She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’
The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? ‘
The mother answered, ‘Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, ‘What part is it?’
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) ‘Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody .’

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.’
Her reply, ‘Force yourself.’

13 Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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Beer Quotes, Beer and More Beer
“Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Babe Ruth

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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

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“24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?  I think not”.
H. L. Mencken

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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven”.
George Bernard Shaw, Irishman

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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy”.
Benjamin Franklin

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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza”.
Dave Barry
http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png
“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”
W. C. Fields

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Remember “I” before “E,” except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
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“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group.
Salvation in a can”.
Leo Durocher, Brooklyn Dodgers Coach
http://cdn1.iconfinder.com/data/icons/BRILLIANT/food/png/400/beer.png
One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
“Well, ya see, Norm, it’s like this … A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
Another:
“Two things all honest men do fear. A scolding wife and ill brewed beer.”

  — Unknown

++++++++++
IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it… Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying … and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…

‘Look Paddy …. there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!’