Yogi Berra Quotes
Here are 25 Yogi Berra quotes that will make you shake your head and smile.
1. “It’s like déjà vu all over again.”
2. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
3. “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
4. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
5. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
6. “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”
7. “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up some place else.”
8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his:
“I really didn’t say everything I said.”
9. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
10. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri’s, a St. Louis restaurant:
“Nobody goes there anymore, because it’s too crowded.”
12. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
13. “We have deep depth.”
14. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
15. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
16. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
17. “Never answer anonymous letters.”
18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet:
“Thank you for making this day necessary.”
19. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
20. “Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”
21. As a general comment on baseball: “90% of the game is half mental.”
22. “I don’t know” (if they were men or women running naked across the field). “They had bags over their heads.”
23. “It gets late early out there.”
24. Carmen Berra, Yogi’s wife asked: “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” Yogi’s answer: “Surprise me.”
25. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
Lexophilia
Who Dreams These Up? – A Lexophile, Of Course!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
My wife….
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My wife sent me a selfie in a new dress. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?”
Classic Puns
| How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side. Then he lies on the other side. |
TEXT TO NEIGHBOR
Submitted by a faithful Our Town News reader
When Insults Had Class . . .
– Groucho Marx
The Difference Between COMPLETE & FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.
Old ones but still good……………..
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter’s brother)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
– Joe Namath
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Lexophilia
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist divorced. They fought tooth and nail.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed.
Abraham Dot Com
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that’s the truth!
MOSTLY ALL NEW
