Yogi Berra Quotes
Here are 25 Yogi Berra quotes that will make you shake your head and smile.
1. “It’s like déjà vu all over again.”
2. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
3. “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
4. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
5. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
6. “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”
7. “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up some place else.”
8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his:
“I really didn’t say everything I said.”
9. “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
10. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”
11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri’s, a St. Louis restaurant:
“Nobody goes there anymore, because it’s too crowded.”
12. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
13. “We have deep depth.”
14. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”
15. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
16. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
17. “Never answer anonymous letters.”
18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet:
“Thank you for making this day necessary.”
19. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”
20. “Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”
21. As a general comment on baseball: “90% of the game is half mental.”
22. “I don’t know” (if they were men or women running naked across the field). “They had bags over their heads.”
23. “It gets late early out there.”
24. Carmen Berra, Yogi’s wife asked: “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” Yogi’s answer: “Surprise me.”
25. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”
Lexophilia
Who Dreams These Up? – A Lexophile, Of Course!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
My wife….
–
My wife sent me a selfie in a new dress. She asked, “Does this make my butt look big?”
Classic Puns
| How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side. Then he lies on the other side. |
TEXT TO NEIGHBOR
Submitted by a faithful Our Town News reader
When Insults Had Class . . .
– Groucho Marx
The Difference Between COMPLETE & FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch.
Old ones but still good……………..
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter’s brother)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
– Joe Namath
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Lexophilia
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist divorced. They fought tooth and nail.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed.
Abraham Dot Com
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that’s the truth!
MOSTLY ALL NEW
More Concepts From The Fringe
Golfing Buddies Meet For Lunch Every Ten Years
–
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.
Definition of the word “Coincidence”
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A one-foot putt, who the hell misses a one-foot putt?
Texans’ Humor!
Heard In The Locker Room
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Old Cemeteries
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Until I know which way you went.
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate, because they do Not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:
Normally more money than Days
The Wife Said
If there is any money left over, get yourself a beer…….”
We will heel you.
We will save your sole.
We will even dye for you.
A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
Blind man driving.
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.
At an Optometrist’s Office :
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
You’ve come to the right place.
On a Plumber’s truck :
“We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber’s truck :
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.
On an Electrician’s truck :
“Let us remove your shorts.
In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door :
“Push. Push. Push.
At a Car Dealership :
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room :
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.
And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promise
Why Irishmen Can’t Be Paramedics —
O’Malley and Finnegan are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Finnegan grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
O’Malley whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, ‘I think Finnegan is dead! What should I do?’
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, ‘Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
There is a silence… And then a shot is heard.
O’Malley’s voice comes back on the line,
‘Okay… Now what?
An American General and an English General . . .
An American General and an English General were on a joint battle campaign in World War II. The American General turned to his orderly and said, “Get me my red shirt.”
The English General asked why? The American General said, “That’s so if I get wounded the blood won’t show so much and demoralize the troops.”
The English General turned to his orderly and said, “Get me my brown pants.”
Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
Steven Wright Paradox – Real Gems
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.3 – Half the people you know are below average.4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.5 – 827% of all statistics are made up on the spot.6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, …… But she left me before we met.12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.And the all-time favorite –35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work?++++++++++20 Obvious Signs That Humanity Is Regressing
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Fortune Cookie Advice:
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
++++++++++Don’t Despair!
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. – Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”
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As I Get Older I Realize . . .
And finally. . .++++++++++
Second Thoughts About Playing Golf
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..Now, 95 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide.However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion, and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen, real name Eugenio Saraceni, his parents were poor Sicilian immigrants of Italian Decent.What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
To Hell with Work! Play Golf!
Apology from an Irish Hospital … SUCH COMPASSION!!!
Dear Mr. Murphy,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language .
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”.
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
Jewish Humor
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You’ve probably heard of them before, but don’t you miss their humor if you were old enough?
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, ‘Are you comfortable? The man says, ‘I make a good living.’
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Mrs. Cohen answered, ‘So did my arthritis!’
Patient: ‘I AM 60!’
Doctor: ‘See! What did I tell you?’
The doctor says, ‘That’s what puzzles me!’
Doctor: ‘Don’t answer!’
The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’
They’re worth it.
They want to.
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
A: It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!.
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, ‘Mom, how are you?’ ‘
Not too good,’ said the mother. ‘I’ve been very weak. ‘
The son said, ‘Why are you so weak?’
She said, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.’
The son said, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? ‘
The mother answered, ‘Because; I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.’
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, ‘What part is it?’
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband. ‘
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) ‘Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody .’
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, ‘Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.’
Her reply, ‘Force yourself.’
13 Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Beer Quotes, Beer and More Beer
Babe Ruth
Paul Horning
George Bernard Shaw, Irishman
Benjamin Franklin
Dave Barry
W. C. Fields
Professor Irwin Corey
Leo Durocher, Brooklyn Dodgers Coach
Another:
— Unknown
IRISH GHOST STORYThis story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door … only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t running. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it… Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying … and wasn’t drunk. ‘Look Paddy …. there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!’ |